I grew up hating the literal sound of my own voice. I had struggled with that feeling for some time. I felt that the literal and figurative sound of my voice was not traditionally masculine. If you had asked me at the time if it was internal hate, I would have denied it. Looking back on it, it stifled how I felt about my abilities and talents, and it made me feel like an imposter. 

Now don’t get me wrong, I still made an effort to go after what I wanted. My mother raised me and my sisters to not let any opportunity pass by us. Growing up in an environment that created specific rules and behaviors for young boys, sometimes my mother’s affirmation just wasn’t enough. I yearned for acceptance from the male figures in my life, which I later learned I would have to give myself. I grew up involved in everything from baseball to acting to music to science. What many people don’t know about me is that dance was actually one of my first loves. 

I was the first young boy in the Virgin Islands to participate in the Caribbean Dance Company under the direction of Mr. Monti. I had never seen a male choreographer head a dance company before and he had inspired me so much. I’m not sure if I was as extraordinarily talented in the same way that my sisters were, but I was so excited and extremely nervous about our first dance recital. It would be my first time performing on such a big stage like the Reichold Center of the Arts in St. Thomas. 

The show was a success! I had received special recognition for breaking the mold by being the only boy enrolled in the dance company and on stage that night. What I thought was a remarkable accomplishment was later shattered by the belief that boys don’t do ballet. Boys don’t dance period. My uncles had attended and made it clear that they didn’t approve. My sister continued dancing with the Caribbean Dance Company, but I just could not. My mother had tried to convince me to pursue my passion, but I was filled with shame. 

I’m a firm believer that everything happens for a reason; the good, the bad, and the ugly. I don’t blame my uncles for their beliefs. Their message had simply brought out an internal belief that I was already struggling with. Many years later, I was co-facilitating a discussion on masculinity with the Center for Diversity and Inclusion at AU. It was a seven-week intensive dialogue with undergraduate and graduate students, who met once a week to explore masculinity in its functions, healthy forms, and toxic forms. I would have never guessed that the young boy who was insecure about singing and dancing, would be leading a discussion on masculinity. 

I learned so much from participating in that dialogue last semester. My aim has been to exude energy from a point that lies between the spectrum of masculinity and femininity that we ALL hold inside of us. I created this blog to get over the idea that my voice has to be masculine to matter, both literally and figuratively. What does a masculine voice even sound like or mean? I now try to practice self-care daily, which I believe men stare away from because we think of it as putting on face masks and getting a massage, which society paints as conventionally feminine. I make an effort to communicate how I feel with the men and women in my life. I ask for help when I need it and I am learning that it’s okay to fall short, it’s human. I continuously check my male privilege by listening and learning about the plight of the women around me, which I’ve especially been able to do by being the only male currently enrolled in a Feminism/Womanism course.

In a society that expects men to be tough and participate in specific activities marked by gender, it is our responsibility to un-learn this idea so that we can gain true freedom and so we don’t propagate this generational cycle. Here are some links to a few resources that my amazing co-facilitator, Buj and I included in our dialogue last semester. Let me know your thoughts. 

Gender Expression - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4sPj8HhbwHs

 We Are Man Enough Ted Talk - https://www.ted.com/talks/justin_baldoni_why_i_m_done_trying_to_be_man_enough?language=en#t-1098919

Red Table Talk of Jada Smith and Will Smith’s Marriage - https://www.facebook.com/redtabletalk/

I am no imposter, I belong here and so do you.